"Rescue Me"

I arrived at the hospital yesterday at exactly 1pm and gave the admission desk Mai's full name for visitation. He asked for the security code then told me that visiting hours were over, but he'd send me back there anyway to see if they would let us in. I mistakenly thought visitation was from 12:30-1:30 pm. We made it to the area and spoke with the intake nurse who told us the same thing, visitation was over. She then asked, "Where are you from?" I told her New Jersey and she seemed to think it warranted at least a try to the charge nurse, since we traveled so far. Lucky for us, the charge nurse must've agreed and they let us in. We couldn't take cell phones, pocketbooks, food, basically nothing. I was warned of this prior to coming so I just left my purse in the car and Mike didn't have anything with him anyway.

The first receptionist unlocks a door and directs us where we need to walk, to another door where someone will open that door for us also. As I walk down this long blank hallway, I am filled with anticipation of what my girl is going to look like, will she know who I am, and how she will act. I get to the end of the hallway and am somewhat confused, no one comes out to us and we are facing three different doors. This wasn't mentioned by the receptionist. A few minutes goes by and fresh faced young lady opens the door to our right and leads us in. We follow only to see a community room with a table in the middle of the floor facing a caged in television. The lady points to a door where Mai is.

I walk in her room. She says, "Hey". I say, "Hey" back. Brief pause. We embrace and she leads me out to the community room. We sit and talk for a good while. She is talking sensibly and knows what's going on. She tells me they don't know what's wrong with her, what her diagnosis is, how long she will be there, nothing. Then she tells me, she wants to go home. Dreams about foods she'll eat when she gets out. My eyes start to well and I fight back tears. She continues but I can tell whatever meds they have her on, are no good. Her pupils are dancing before my eyes, right, left, right left. She can't focus on me. Her balance is off, like her equilibrium is off. What are they doing to my dear friend? Now I'm getting pissed, but I hold back. She tells me again, I want out of here. But I can't do anything about it. Only family can get her out. If they want to.

We talk for a a little more, but then her food comes and her attention is diverted. After I watch her movements and talk a little more I tell her it's time for us to hit the road home. We have a road trip ahead of us, plus we left Mike's father in the lobby waiting for us. He went to see some of the nice folks on the hospital floor Mike's mom was on, not too long ago, before we lost her in June. So we both hug Mai, I tell her I love her and will do what I can. I tell her to get well and get the hell out of that place asap. I try to lighten the mood and tell her she has a dress to buy and a wedding to attend. She replies, "Oh, I'll be outta here, wayyyy before then". I just smile, fighting back tears and thinking to myself, I hope so. I really do.

We walk out and as soon as she's out of sight, I let it out. Mike holds me while I cry on his shoulder. This is jacked up, I say. I can't protect her. I can't do a thing for her in here. You see, years ago, I was the one who would rescue Mai. She was always a mild mannered quiet type, who didn't like confrontation and surely didn't want to fight. I would step in when someone bothered her; sort of like her protector. I had no problem putting my fist to someones face if they bothered her because she didn't bother anyone. Now I can't protect her or rescue her from this crazy place she's in. I'm pissed.